Avoid Common Mistakes When Guiding Children's Behavior

Common mistakes we make when guiding children’s behavior:

1.       Not setting clear expectations in advance

Example:  “We are going shopping. Remember, we are only buying food for breakfast, and you can help me make some healthy choices.”   It also helps to review healthy choices.

2.       Not setting boundaries

Think of how you would feel driving in the right lane of the Brooklyn Bridge if there weren’t any guard rails?  You child needs boundaries which will grow as the child matures. 

3.       Lack of follow through and inconsistency

      Ask yourself - Are you willing to leave the cart if you give a warning to your child that you are leaving the store if he or she doesn’t stop a specific behavior? 

• Mean what you say or don’t say it.
• Don’t say no but then give in after much pleading, it only creates an environment for longer pleading.
• Choose your battles.  Ask yourself does it really matter?
• Turn off the cell phone so you can focus on follow through.

4.       Confusing loving with indulging

5.       Not letting our children experience consequences

6.       Not creating a yes environment.  A yes environment is created by setting parameters that are age appropriate such as avoiding long waiting periods for young children, and giving children time to transition as opposed to rushing from one activity to another.  

Principles for Effective Guidance and Discipline

1. Discipline is not punishment, but an opportunity to help children behave appropriately.
2. Discipline includes preventing problems and helping child succeed.
3. Discipline helps children learn self-control and how to get along with others.
4. It is appropriate and necessary for children to be curious, experiment and test the limits.
5. The environment and routine should prevent crowding of children and other frustration or situations that lead to discipline concerns.
6. All children, at all times, including their most challenging moments, deserve respect.
7. Labeling children negatively affects everyone, especially the child.
8. Role-modeling appropriate behavior is more effective than telling children how to behave.
9. Before intervening, give children an opportunity to work out their struggles themselves, when possible.
10. Limit the use of the word, “No.”
11. Having a consistent adult response is the norm to redirecting behavior.
12. Praise good behavior and efforts or attempts at trying to behave appropriately. 

Children Thrive on Structure

Many times as parents or teachers we want to give our children a great deal of freedom in decision making. Although freedom of choice can have benefits, it is important to remember, "Children thrive on structure," according to school psychologist Laura Marchese, at a workshop at Kangaroo Kids Child Care and Learning Center. Structure makes children feel more secure. It lets them know what to expect. If your child is having a difficult time getting ready in the morning, try creating a sequence chart with photos of him or her doing each expected behavior. This will be both fun and a learning experience. And, if you stick to it consistently, over time your morning routine should improve!

When it comes to choice, children can be overwhelmed by too many choices. As the parent or the teacher, you must make decisions based on what is best for the child and then give our child choices. For example, if you want your child to eat healthy foods, instead of saying, "What do you want to eat for dinner?” give two healthy choices, "Would you like carrots or peas with your dinner?" Instead of giving your child the opportunity to make any choice for what he or she would like to do on Saturday, you can offer two choices.

Laura also recommended positive, specific praise as the most useful behavior management tool you can use. Catch children doing it right! Many times we address inappropriate behavior instead of complimenting good behavior. If your child is wiggling around at an inappropriate time, instead of saying, "Stop wiggling.” try to wait for the moment he or she stops, and instead say, "I love how nicely you are sitting." If there is a sibling or classmate involved, give the child behaving appropriately over the top, enthusiastic, positive, specific praise, “Joey, I love the way you are sitting!” In the majority of cases, the child behaving inappropriately will correct his or her behavior to gain the positive praise. Make sure that as soon as the child behaving inappropriately begins to behave appropriately, you reward him with enthusiastic, positive, specific praise.

According to Laura, if you create a culture of positive, specific praise, and you do it consistently, you should see change overtime.